i don't care if it hurts
by LadyPooh
Summary: Through the phone I heard him whisper, " Welcome to Rosewood, Pennsylvania. Nice sign", that was when I knew my days were limited, and maybe even Emily's.
1. just try and understand for her

"Look Lindin, I already told you I'm seeing someone else". I was starting to get really aggravated by him. It had been at least three weeks since I had left True North and this guy could not get the message that I didn't want him.

"Yeah, _Emily, _I know".

The way he said her name made me go cold; it was like he was someone else, not the sweet guy in Cabin 369 who invited me to the annual True North Dance they had every summer. Why would he say her name so harshly? Sure, he could be jealous, but he sounded like he wanted to hurt my girl and that would _not _happen.

Through the phone I heard him whisper, " Welcome to Rosewood, Pennsylvania. Nice sign", that was when I knew my days were limited, and maybe even Emily's.

**Three Months Ago**

_I never thought I could hate someone so much, yet I hated Pam. True, we weren't really studying, more like kissing and playing "footsie", but we weren't naked (but if we were, I wouldn't complain). I could hear Emily telling her mom she was ashamed of her as I walked out of her room and down the stairs. That's my girl. _

_Sure, I didn't know her but she's still found a way be in my life. Em said Alison did that to everyone, made people small enough so that she could be the big thing in their life. Whenever I walk up the path to my house, __**her house, **__I feel belittled like she's right there with me and she's laughing at my every move. No matter how many queen bees I try and stay away from I'll always be stuck with Alison, and it wasn't even my choice._

_There they were, Lisa and Tom St. Germain, worry and disappointment painted across their faces as they turned to look at me. I only got that look when they found out something horrible, and I was scared to find out what that was._


	2. pefect goodbye to match our pefect hello

_The whole house was quiet but I'd never heard silence scream so loud. I could tell from my mother's eyes she'd been crying and I could see from my father's face he was fighting not to. _

_I wasn't stupid; there was only one thing that could make my tough, stern father break. My addiction. _

_I figured they'd found a stash somewhere in my room. I wasn't sure where though since I was always secretive with that kind of stuff. The weirdest part though was that I'd stopped smoking for the longest time. It was hard but I'd do anything for my Emily. Sure, I had a few high moments here and there but because Em didn't I figured I could take a break._

_Then, the silence ended._

"_Mrs. Fields called today". Pam? What did she have to do with anything?_

_My father paused waiting for me to say something but my mouth was completely dry and my mind was blank._

"_She said something about you leaving your bag at her house, and there being a container filled with something that didn't give your breath a mint like smell". _

_I felt like crying or screaming, running or falling to the ground but all I really wanted to do was call Em, but my phone was in my famous bag. _

_I said I was sorry and that I'd get clean, I screamed and asked if they yelled at Pam for going through my stuff and then I went numb when they said they were sending me to druggie boot camp. For three months._

_Usually when I'm told there's no school for me today I'm pumped but when I know it's because I have to pack to get ready for True North Reformatory Boot Camp it puts a damper on my mood. In between crying and wiping my tears on my clothes I hear the plink of tiny rocks hitting my windowsill. I secretly hope it's Emily wondering why I'm not in school but when I see her friends instead my face finds a way to drop just a little more._

_Hanna can tell I'm upset about their visit and I can see her mouth, "Gosh, I know were not as hot as Em but could you smile a bit"?_

_I chuckled. Em really did have a good circle when it didn't come to Ali. How Emily could love a girl like that I'd never know._

Aria, Spencer and Hanna understood that I got what Hanna said. Spencer decided to say hi this time.

"If you're willing, we can find a way for you to tell your girl goodbye". I smiled and nodded. One perfect goodbye with Em could work.


	3. so whatcha wanna do? let's just run girl

"You can't just run away".

The pain in her eyes was unbearable. I'd asked her to come with me, to San Francisco, but she couldn't leave. Her family and friends were here and I was being selfish asking her to run with me, but I knew it was for her own good, her safety.

I turned away from her. I couldn't let her see more tears fall from my eyes.

Becasue she was brave and I wasn't, but I was Maya and I could keep secrets. I could keep her safe.

I walked past her, through the fancy white gate and onto the street.

"Hello"?

"Yeah, Noel, it's me. I'm at Hanna Marin's house. Any chance you're in the mood to party"?

**Three Months Ago**

_My bags were packed and Emily was on her way. The candles were lit and the girls were downstairs giggling about how happy Emily would be. Yet, my tears wouldn't stop falling._

_I was leaving Emily, gorgeous, Emily Fields for three whole months because of my stupid decision to keep smoking some herb. I could hear her downstairs questioning her reason for being here when they clearly knew she was upset. I chuckled dryly. Maybe there was some hope of her missing me as much as I was going to miss her. _

_Emily stopped mumbling when she saw me light the very last candle. I could see her choking up near the door, but she never stopped walking._

"_Maya? I-I thought you mad at me, you didn't answer your phone"._

_I smiled as she talked about me hating her. As if I ever could. Did she remember the whole "I care about you… so I'll wait" line? _

_Hate her? Never._

_We danced with the music softly playing in the background and I could feel her warm tears gliding across my shoulders. We kissed and I thought about the time we'd be apart and the time when I give her space. So many clocks would be ticking waiting for me to return to my Cleopatra. _

_And when we made love that very first time, those clocks stopped ticking. Giving us the time we very much deserved._


	4. no i can't heal things with a handshake

"Maya, it's no problem, really".

I was glad to hear that, but I couldn't help but ramble. It was twelve o' clock and Noel was there for me; letting me use his cabin as my home for a few weeks. I appreciated it, still some part of me wondered why he didn't mind me being here.

I had to guess it was all that money I'd gave him. And as Emily now knew, still gave him.

Some habits just die hard I guess.

"Thanks Noel".

"Don't worry about it, but uh if you don't mind me asking, why'd you choose not to go San Francisco"?

I looked around the dusty crowded room with the creaky floors and smiled sadly knowing why. I'd always know why.

"Emily".

He smiled at me then and looked at me as if he understood.

"Yeah, well she is hot".

I laughed and watched him exit the small room.

That she was.

As my phone lit up with Emily's picture and name I sighed. I wasn't ready to face her again. I wasn't sure if I'd ever be able to.

I hit decline and went to my camera and hit record.

"Hello sugars. Get ready to hear to juicy stuff, but remember, this site is cursed".

**Five Months Ago.**

_So, I was here. True North Reformatory Boot Camp. It didn't look that bad, I mean, all the kids looked like they belonged to a modeling agency and all the counselors were peppy._

_As I entered the building, silently telling myself to memorize the wooden signs on each and every door I could feel my mood worsening. There was always a catch to everything. With True North it looked amazing from the outside but inside it was hell, just like Pam. _

_Then, I spotted a group of herb smokers. Their clothes had stickers saying "Good Job Today" and "You're Coming Along" and my all time favorite, "A Green Thumb Is Better Than A Green Feed"._

_I wouldn't be getting those stickers. Unless of course they were my ticket out of here._

_I quickly made my way into the conversation and made "friends" with everyone in the small circle. Out of the corner of my eye, I spotted a guy smiling at me. Janie, a small brunette gave me look as she followed my eyes._

"_I know this is a reformatory and we've all done stupid things, but stay away from him, trust me"._

_She reminded me to much of Emily and her nature to tell you to be careful with people. I winked at Janie and told her I'd be right back. _

_I had to meet this guy. If he really was trouble, I knew he'd keep my mind off of Em and I needed that. And he was attractive, I had to give him that._

"_Maya St. Germain, herb smoker"._

_He looked up, smirked and reached out his hand._

"_Lyndon James, bipolar mess "._


	5. if they saw they'd understand

**A/N: So, I was told that my chapters were short and I got to thinking about it, you all are right. **

**Leekwan: I'm guessing you're reading this, or are looking for it. I just wanted to say your in depth reviews are stunning and always are something for me to look forward to and I honestly think you could write stories on here.**

**Alright, it's time to read the chapter guys! **

Asking Noel for a sleeping bag probably would've been a good thing. My back ached and the dust from the wooden drawer had made my allergies flare up once again. Hunger was getting to me when I noticed a note on the door.

"Gone out with my mystery girl. Be back around twelve and there's food in the fridge. Don't worry about the huge drawer blocking the door, it's moved."

-Noel

I didn't question the short sentences, I'd gotten to know and understand Noel and for whatever reason he'd always skip around questions and give yes or no answers. From what I could tell he was my kind of guy, in a friendly way of course. Though, I would ask about the mystery girl later.

I ate my food and figured I'd go outside and take a few photos for my blog. There wasn't much to do in an empty cabin when you were lovesick. The air smelled like the end of fall and the beginning of winter; crisp and pure. With only my pajamas on and a thin jacket I told myself I wouldn't be gone long and started on my way.

As I took the pictures I figured I might as well take a walk. If I was going to live here for a few weeks I had to get to know my surroundings, not just the crowded room that smelled of sex, drugs, and liquor.

The leaves were being crushed under my feet as were the sticks and twigs. The walk was a bad idea, it just gave me more time to think about the girl I kept leaving behind. The hardest thing about Emily was that I kept feeling like I was hurting her out of vengeance. I'd gave her the time she wanted, deserved, but every time I'd see her I'd think of how that time hurt me. She was slowly setting me back. I was holding onto a girl that wanted my love but wouldn't acknowledge it and if I kept feeding into her I'd be back at square one.

The hours were getting later, the trees fuller, and the footsteps heaver as I got more tired. Before I knew it I was lost. I started thinking that the trail Hanzel and Gretel made was a smart idea. With no cell phone signal to call Noel, or even Emily, I was stuck out here until someone came to find me.

It was another hour before midnight when I heard footsteps. Thinking it was Noel I turned around.

"Noel, that you?"

"No silly. Paige."

**Three Months Ago.**

"_So Lyndon, did you hear that people have been saying you're bad news?"_

_He looked at me and smirked, an evil type glint in his eye. A glint that sort of turned me on, the type of glint that matched Emily's sultry smirk._

"_People say as they please, but if I'm not mistaken you did come over here and the fact of the matter is that if I'm really as bad as they say I am you must not be to upset."_

_I couldn't help but think I liked him more than I should._

_He licked his lips._

_Yeah, I liked him more than I should,_

_I chuckled and smiled. _

"_Well Lyndon, as much as I'd liked to sit here forever and chat I have to go check in so my parents don't call and yell at me later.''_

_Lyndon pouted and looked at me. "Got to do what you got to do right? But, when they check you in you have to have thirty minute spiritual session with our new True North pastor."_

_Pastor? That wasn't in my pamphlet._

_Out of the corner out of my eyes, I spotted her smiling at me and it all made sense in such a sick way._


	6. i swear i've never met someone so cruel

**A/N: How've you been? I know it's been forever and I'm sorry. To make up for my lateness I made this chapter longer then the others. **

**Don't be afraid to follow and favorite!**

Truth be told, I was tired of her. Paige had caused me enough problems while I was at boot camp and now for whatever reason she was here.

In the woods.

With me.

I'd began to notice while I was at camp that Paige only came around for certain Emily-related reasons. The conservations of course would never begin on the subject of Emily but always something different. Paige would drag out the conversations and state random facts that gave me the type of butterflies I hated; the type that Lyndon would give me whenever he became frustrated with something I'd say. I could only hope that everything with Emily was okay, that she was sane and that she had the girls to lean on.

"What do you want Paige"?

She looked at me and smirked. A smirk that was devilishly playful and frightening. I'd seen that smirk thousands of times as she'd pass me in the hallways at school and the creaky wooden stairs at the camp, but somehow standing out here in woods, that smirk looked even more murderous.

"Now that's no way to treat the girl that's going to be caring for your girlfriend. I'm doing _you_ a favor, remember? I make sure Emily stays away from harm and you, well you get to hide out from Lyndon".

I felt ridiculous. I knew making a deal with would turn around and bite me in the ass, but I didn't think deserting Emily would hurt this much. I felt like some character in a drama movie but this was reality and Paige was the closet thing to me Em would be able to get for the time being.

" I'm sorry, where are my manners? Hi Paige, it really is nice to see you."

She chuckled sourly and smiled at me. "Come with me. I'll take you back to your cabin, maybe we can even discuss how wonderful of kisser Em is".

I was doing this for Emily, I knew that, but it wouldn't be that bad if Paige ended up with a black eye before this whole deal thing was over with.

**Three Months Ago.**

_I didn't need this now. I'd just left home, I'd just made love to the woman of the dreams and then I had to leave her, I just flirted with a boy and the guilt was slowly getting to me and now here she was. Paige McCullers sitting behind the desk of the residence that I'd be staying for three months. _

_Now, I wasn't stupid and I knew that "goody-two shoes, to afraid to be gay" Paige McCullers hadn't done anything bad enough to be placed in this hell-hole. Frankly, I was convinced that a place like Radley would be much more suitable for her. I knew her father was some up-tight pastor and I was almost positive that he'd be the man I'd have to speak with and, knowing Paige, I knew he'd probably already been given a word by word description of who I was._

"_Maya St. Germain . Checking in."_

_I smiled as widely as I could hoping it would make Paige think that I didn't want any trouble from her, but with her face in close punching range I had a feeling trouble was exactly what I wanted. She smiled back and checked me in._

" _It'll be a pleasure to work with you on your road to recovery Maya. I'm sure Emily will be happy to hear that your no longer doing illegal things when you return to Rosewood."_

_I smirked at her. I knew girls like her and I wasn't going down without some type of a fight. _

"_It's only illegal in thirty-two states McCullers"._

_I turned and walked to Pastor McCullers office. I didn't know what he wanted from me, but I was ready for what the McCullers' were going to throw._


	7. fly me to the moon, anything for you

**A/N: So, this is the longest chapter I've produced for this story and I'm proud to say that! I hope it's worth the wait.**

**In the reviews:**

**Tell me what you want to see happen in the next chapter, you might be surprised I'm quite flexible with letting you decide.**

**I'd like to put more "truth" into the story. In order to do so, tell me, what's it like liking two people at the same time, and if you are, what's it like being lesbian?**

**Enjoy!**

* * *

I never really believed love made you do stupid things. I never really believed in love to begin with, but then Emily came along and changed all of that. Cliché? Sure. The thing is though, a girl like Em can do that.

So here was Paige, Paige McCullers, on Monday morning coming up to me with her lunch tray and sitting down right next to me. Mind you, this was before the two of us were in the woods and after I found out she was as crazy as Mona seemed to be.

The new schedule at school had taken a toll on the one time of day I got to spend with Em. We never seemed to have any classes and after school she and the girls would always run off with their phones in hand like they just had seen a ghost, so I was stuck when it came to me being able to see her.

Paige simply explained after she sat down that she knew about my smoking habit and that she knew I still smoked every once and a while. Apparently, she knew everything I didn't want her too; everything Emily didn't know. I would've said something rude of course, but she had something against me. Now I am smart, so I knew that I had something on her too, but me telling her gay secret would only help her out. Chances are that the other girls that are lesbian would give her the "experience "and that boost of confidence she needed to win Em over with. So, like any smart girl, I stayed quiet and let her speak.

"Our girl is in trouble Maya, I can't tell you how or why because that doesn't matter right now. What I can tell you, is that she needs protection against who's going to try and harm her and because you don't know who that is her protector will have to be me. Now, the people that are going to try and hurt Em trust me. It'll be easy for me to defy them and keep their trust at the same time but you'll have to be long gone. They're scared of you, I'm not, but they are so you can't be around."

I laughed, who did she think she was sitting down and telling me all of this? The seriousness on her face was frightening though, and so part of me trusted her.

" Alright McCullers. This is what's going to happen, tomorrow morning you're going to meet me at Noel Kahn's cabin party and we'll talk about this."

She nodded her head and walked off. As I was picking up my fork to start on my mashed potatoes a pink sticky note caught my eye.

**" _Roses and red,_**

**_Violets are blue,_**

**_Love is stupid St. Germain_**

**_But stupid isn't A's Game"_**

**_-A_**

* * *

"You know, that smirk of hers is really enticing". Paige chuckled as she drove forward.

"I've noticed". I wasn't in the mood for stimulating conversation at the moment. Frankly, I was pissed at myself. I knew I should've picked a better hideout, my family's cottage was perfect. There was food and less woodland creatures luring around. I'd go there tomorrow night.

"One word answers won't get you anywhere St. Germain".

No one ever addressed me by my last name, ever. The shiver down my spine wasn't comfortable at all and I didn't want to stay in the car any longer. Paige pulled up to the cabin and I hopped out of the truck.

"Thanks". I smiled as much as I could , she didn't answer though. She just drove off. She'd made a mistake and she knew it, just as well as I did.

**Three Months Ago.**

His plaque shone in gold and I felt utterly disgusted as I placed my hand on the cold doorknob. There always seemed to be a catch to whatever I did. I fall in love with a girl but have to wait months for her to show her love back, I go to a rehab center to make my parents happy and Paige McCullers and her lovely father are the pride and joy of this fine establishment.

His back was turned to me and I felt like this was a deleted clip from The Godfather and that the time wouldn't go any faster.

"I've heard of you Maya, your record was a bit blemished but it's nothing I can't fix",

I scoffed. "I'm sorry, I didn't know that there was anything that needed to be fixed."

His chair revolved as he stood to face me. "Your tone needs to be fixed, as well as your smoking habits and sexual orientation".

"Sexual orientation? Oh, are you in for a pleasant surprise. I wonder, have you heard the statistic that most people that are afraid of lesbians and gays like myself have sexual orientation problems?"

Pastor McCullens face was suddenly red and I was sure that steam was about to come from his ears any second.

"You can leave now, we'll begin our tour another day".

I smiled and walked out the door, only to be greeted by Paige.

"Have fun?"

I laughed and put my hand on her shoulder.

With my lips close to her ears I whispered, "About as much as you're going to have tonight".

**A/N: Less is more, or should I aim for this many words in the next chapter(s)? Question, would anyone like to beta for me? The more help I get, the quicker I can produce stories. **

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